Reader I Like Red Flags And I Cannot Lie writes,

I recently read an article where you responded to a gentleman questioning why his girlfriend left him, and it inspired me to tell you my story and ask you the same. We started dating just weeks after she ended a long term relationship with her prior boyfriend because he had cheated on her. They had been on and off for 3 years and he had cheated on her each time, multiple times.

I expected that she may have trust issues with me, but she did not. The bigger red flag I should have been more skeptical of was the fact that she had started seeing me only weeks after their split. We dated for about 6 months and almost every argument we had involved her ex. Although, she clarified to me that there was no chance she would ever get with back with him, she still maintained contact with him. One argument I had was when I caught them messaging late one night while she was watching a movie with me at my place.

She said she would cut off contact with him and did not want whatever they had to interfere with us. Since their relationship ended she had moved apartments and said she did not want him finding out where she lived because he had followed her in his car in the past. He found out anyway by doing the same thing, because he mailed her a card on her birthday (5 months after they had been separated, knowing she was in a relationship with me), with an old picture of them and a love note. When I asked if he had sent her something, she initially lied, then about a week later confessed to receiving something from him. I asked if she kept it and she said yes. I said I was offended and she agreed to throw it away, but never did.

I decided to let that go, as by that point she had finally drew a hard line in cutting him out, and for the remainder of our relationship he was not an issue. During our last month together, my grandmother had passed (who lived in another state) and she expressed that she wanted to go home with me for the funeral, knowing she'd be meeting my entire family. Aside from the reason for the visit, the weekend went extremely well. My family liked her, and she really liked my family and told me she was happy that she came. About a week later, after things had been very smooth for quite some time, she told me she loved me for the first time. I was ecstatic because I had already told her about a month prior.

The very next week, without an argument or inciting incident, she sent me a text saying she didn't want to see me that night and needed some space. She broke up with me the next day. She says I did nothing wrong and that I treated her great. She said she has fun with me and likes being with me and that the sex is amazing and that she's really attracted to me. So I asked what the problem was. She claims that she is still hurting from her prior relationship.

This angered me because we had had several conversations in the very beginning and throughout our relationship about her being over him and being ready to date me. While there were a few scares, she always reassured me that she wanted to be with me. I told her from the start what I wanted and that I take dating very seriously. I don't understand why that happened when it did when things were going so smoothly and I did nothing wrong.

Also, how does one tell someone they love them, and break up with them a week later, especially when their grandmother just died!? I should also mention that when she told me she loved me, I asked her the next day if she meant it and she said with confidence "of course I did! Otherwise I wouldn't have said it!" She is 32 years old (I am 30) and I guess I expected more. What do you think went wrong here? Should I have just trusted my gut and not have gotten involved with someone so quickly after their last relationship?

As you can see from the name I gave you, on some level, I believe you noticed approximately one zillion red flags and ignored them all. They include:

1. She messaged with her ex late night
2. Her ex sent her a love note and she didn't throw it out
3. You had multiple fights in only the first 6 months, generally considered the honeymoon period, over another dude

I think that you and your ex had something in common. Both of you are drawn to individuals who cannot give you what you need emotionally. She's drawn to her ex, and you're drawn to her. If I had either one of you in therapy, I would encourage you to learn about imago theory, the idea that all people all drawn to partners who subconsciously remind them of both the positives and the negatives of their caregivers. At first you only see the positives, but then later on, you start seeing the negatives, and here, both of you likely had a caregiver who was emotionally unavailable. In later life, you're both drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable, and fantasize about transforming these difficult partners into emotionally present and invested ones. So many people do this.

Rather than being angry at her, I encourage you to recognize that both of you were caught in an unhealthy pattern. Don't reach out to her with this information, though. She is on her own road, which may well involve marrying this ex, unfortunately for her. But you can make the decision to pursue your own therapy and figure out why you, who seems like a smart guy, ignored red flag after red flag, singleminded in your desire to make this woman into something she wasn't: a fully emotionally open and truthful partner.

Best of luck, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, She Probably Meant She Loved You, For That Split Second She Said It. Emotions Run Higher In Dramatic Situations.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest.

Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice, including therapy, coaching, and consultation, here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.

This Blogger's Books and Other Items from...