'I've Cheated On My Wife With Men, How Can I Tell Her?'

'I've Cheated On My Wife With Men, How Can I Tell Her?'

via

Reader Secret Bisexual writes,

I just read your blog from the woman who found gay porn on her husbands laptop and my first thought was that I could tell the other side of that. I am a happily married man and I have the hidden bisexual porn.

I'm 35, and married 14 years. I love my wife more than I have words to describe. We have three kids under ten years old and a great sex life (on average 4 times a week). And our sex life is exciting. We have fun and spice it up in various ways.

But, for many years I have had the desire/fantasy to be with a man. Not just be with a man but, forgive me if this is too blunt, to give oral to a man. No one in particular, just a desire. I don't consider myself gay because I'm not attracted to men. I don't want to kiss or cuddle or have a relationship, I just desire to give oral.

When I read what the other wife said about how she would love for her husband to share that so they could enjoy it together, I almost couldn't believe it. I know how my wife would react: it would be the end of us. There is no way she would even accept me saying I want to try it.

The truth is, and I've never shared this, I have acted on it. I'm ashamed to say that but its true. I found myself in a situation awhile back were I could fulfill my desire in a safe manner and I did. I enjoyed it and on occasion still do. I hate myself for hiding it from my wife. I hate lying but I cant say anything. So, I watch a lot of bisexual porn. That's what arouses me. I wish I could share it with her.

I'd love for her to know and encourage. It is something that satisfies a desire I don't want to have but is there. What advice can you give me?

I understand that you want to be open with your wife and to have her share in your fantasy the way that the reader you mentioned did. But you're in a very different situation here. You are not just fantasizing. You have been unfaithful. Not only that, but it's unlikely that you used protection for oral sex (and even if you did, some things are transmitted even with a condom) so you may have exposed your wife to an STD. Sure, you didn't have an affair, but you had sexual contact outside the marriage without the knowledge of your wife. To me that is equally if not more important than the gender of who you were unfaithful with.

If you want to be open with your wife, you will have to allow for the very real possibility that she will find this dishonesty devastating and will leave you, or will never trust you again. The idea that she would decide to join in the fantasies is much less likely, particularly since you've already cheated. She would probably correctly assume that the only possibility for your happiness is to include other men in your sex life, and many women would not be cool with this, although some would.

My advice is to decide whether your love for your wife is great enough to be honest with her. She deserves to know if her husband has cheated and will continue to do so. You may think nobody could ever find out, but these are the famous last words of everyone who gets found out. And imagine what it would do to your marriage and your kids' view of you if your infidelity was discovered. You obviously yearn to have your wife accept you. Maybe that means it's time to tell her the truth about everything, and give her the option to choose of her own free will whether to be with you and whether she is open to your fantasies. Even if she is, it will likely be after her anger and resentment is processed about your cheating. But I believe you owe it to yourself and your family to stop living a double life and stop lying.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.

This Blogger's Books and Other Items from...

Login to comment

Follow us on